Tuesday, April 23, 2024
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Belarusian Soccer Execs Pop Champagne On New Mega Yacht To Celebrate Wave Of Increased Popularity That Will Surely Last Forever

MINSK, BELARUS—Joyously toasting to the decision to continue play through the coronavirus pandemic, executives from the Belarusian Premier League popped champagne on their new mega yacht Monday to celebrate the league’s sudden spike in popularity that will surely last forever. “It’s clear that we’re the most beloved soccer league in the world and always will be,” said Dinamo Minsk chairman Andrey Tolmach, who revealed that the league was considering expanding to 24 teams and teased that a certain “rapper from Toronto” had recently been tapped to perform during halftime of this year’s title match. “We’re set for life! The Belarusian style of attacking football has finally gone global, and there’s no stopping us now. At this rate, we should be able to sell our television rights to the BBC and ESPN. Hell, maybe we could buy ESPN?” At press time, Tolmach announced plans to parlay the league’s newfound success to flee “this terrible republic.”

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