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‘But If He Has My Voice, Then Whose Voice Do I Have?’ Murmurs John Cena Examining Own Talking Action Figure

LAND O’ LAKES, FL—Repeatedly slamming the poseable character toy against his hand to elicit his very own catchphrases, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena examined his own talking action figure Tuesday and murmured, “But if he has my voice, then whose voice do I have?” “Wait, I say ‘The Champ is here,’ but then he also says ‘The Champ is here,’ does that make me an imposter?” asked the 18-time WWE champion, pondering whether his voice had crawled out of his body, or been captured by Mattel, or whether it was ever truly his to begin with. “When I speak, he says nothing. Does that mean we’re sharing the same voice? I assumed he was a copy of me, but perhaps I am a copy of him? There’s no way I can be two people at once—can I?” At press time, Cena had pinned the figure to try and regain the WWE title that the imposter figure claimed was his.

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