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New Prevention Campaign Urges Public To Look Out For Early Signs Of Being Cut In Half By Samurai

BETHESDA, MD—Claiming a person could be bisected and find themselves toppling over onto the ground before they realized what had happened, a new prevention campaign unveiled Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health urged the public to be on lookout for early signs they may have been cut in half by a samurai. “Though it might not seem urgent right now, it is vital to perform routine checks to ensure you have not been sliced in two by a single stroke from a samurai’s longsword, also known as a katana,” said the agency’s associate director for public health Martina Stein, describing a few of the warning signs, such as angering a shogun or entering into ritualistic combat to prove one’s honor. “It’s essential to keep a watchful eye on the noble warrior’s curved, single-edged blade, because you may appear symptomless for several seconds before you even notice your torso starting to slide off your legs. There have actually been cases of unfortunate souls laughing in the samurai’s face, believing that the sword had missed them. But by then it was already too late.” Stein added that any who failed to heed this warning ran the risk of becoming a tormented spirit forced to play tricks on wandering samurai in the forest for all eternity.

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