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Nextdoor CEO Recruits Army Of Fanatics For Holy Crusade To Reclaim Neighborhood

SAN FRANCISCO—Declaring that the time had come for San Francisco’s chosen residents to rise up and take back the streets and cul-de-sacs that were rightfully theirs, Nextdoor CEO Sarah Friar reportedly began recruiting an army of fanatics Friday for a holy crusade to reclaim their neighborhood. “I call upon all people of good neighbor stock to follow me in a campaign to drive the evil criminal scourge from our sidewalks!” Friar proclaimed in a post on the Nextdoor community forums, urging users to take up arms on a divine pilgrimage to liberate their neighborhoods from the homeless, loud teenagers, and people who don’t clean up after their dogs. “Come brothers! Come sisters! Who among you will no longer abide logging on to Nextdoor only to see that yet another idolator has smashed a window three streets away? Who among you will no longer tolerate those who would debase our holy trash day? The heretics’ reign of terror ends now! Today we cut out the cancer so we can once more open our front doors to retrieve our Amazon packages without worrying that we’ll be slaughtered! For I have witnessed the Nextdoor forums, and yea, I know how unhappy thou art! For too long we have been forced to cower in our homes, watching through our Ring cameras as bad-neighbor infidels run rampant through our streets! The time is nigh to unleash our sacred mission to call the police on any minority we see, and we must let nothing stand in the way of upholding our sacred parking laws! I know you are afraid, my brethren, and so am I. I am afraid of everything, and I fear nothing more than watching my blessed neighborhood descend into a living hell. I am afraid of a world where I must witness anything unpleasant, and I am tired of hiding. Do as I do, and use that fear, harness that fear, to join my righteous expedition and take back our neighborhoods! Aieeeeeeeeee!” At press time, the Nextdoor CEO was urging her army of fanatics to retreat after they set off a car alarm.

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