GLENDALE, AZ—Responding to leaked video footage of the drunk simian shoving a dancer and throwing a bottle of Dom Pérignon at a fellow patron, authorities confirmed Wednesday that the Phoenix Suns Gorilla was involved in a late-night altercation at the Essex Gentlemen’s Club. “He was pretty belligerent all night. At around 1 in the morning, they finally called the police after he knocked a guy out and then pulled a knife on the security guard,” said an anonymous strip club patron, who recalled a tense moment when Gorilla brandished a T-shirt gun and threatened one of the bartenders for watering down his drinks. “I knew something was about to go down when he first called one of the girls ‘a bitch’ for walking away from him. He was there with a couple other mascots, and whenever he gets together with Basket The Bobcat and Big Red, you know they’re gonna get into trouble. They don’t mean much harm, but once they pop a few bottles and start busting out the trampolines, things can get out of hand fast.” At press time, Gorilla deleted all mentions of the Phoenix Suns on his social media amid reports that the team was looking to trade him.
