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Roger Goodell Warns Deshaun Watson Accusers They Have Until Stroke Of Midnight Before Magic Of Credible Allegations Disappears Forever

NEW YORK—Noting that time was running out, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell warned Deshaun Watson’s accusers Wednesday that they only have until the stroke of midnight before the magic of credible allegations disappear forever. “Take heart, my dears, for while you have the public’s ear now, be forewarned: When the clock strikes twelve, your time to be taken seriously will vanish!” said Goodell, adding that the accusers behind the more than 20 sexual harassment and sexual misconduct civil lawsuits filed against the Houston Texans quarterback had only a matter of hours before any chance at securing public support or any productive legal outcome would disappear forever. “Oh yes, oh yes, allegations can stick, but they have to have a little special something mixed in, don’t they? That doesn’t stay around forever! Unless you can come forward more publicly or bring some more shocking allegations to light, your claims will be gone in a poof! At midnight, your spell to get Watson to face any consequences will be broken, and we promise that not even your own loved ones will believe you. So make haste!” At press time, several of Watson’s accusers noticed that the lawsuits they filed against Watson were beginning to crumble into dust.

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