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St. Louis Officials Encourage Celebrating Blues Fans To Just Burn City Down And Finally End This

ST. LOUIS—Saying that the city has had this coming for a long time and this moment was as good a time as any, St. Louis officials encouraged fans celebrating the Blues Stanley Cup victory Wednesday to just burn the city down and finally end everyone’s suffering. “To all the Blues fans out there who may be smashing windows or starting fires, all we can say is: Absolutely do that. We’ve dealt with this place for far too long, and we are ready for it to die,” said Mayor Lyda Krewson, who claimed the city was taking steps to aid any rioters by placing bins full of bricks, lighters, and baseball bats around the St. Louis along with idling bulldozers that any Blues fan could commandeer free of punishment. “Obviously, a lot of fans are going to be drunk, and we think that’s great. As long as you’re damaging property, the police aren’t going to bother you—in fact, they might even be ordered to help. Crash cars into buildings, tear apart bus stops, pull down the fucking Arch for all we care. It’s over. St. Louis isn’t worth it. We don’t give a shit anymore.” At press time, Mayor Krewson was seen greeting celebrating fans on the street before grabbing a trash can and smashing in the window of a liquor store.

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