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Terrified Zach Wilson Cuts Off Pinky Finger To Get Out Of Draft That Would Ship Him Off To Jets

CLEVELAND—Trembling as he gripped a sharp knife and debated which finger he needs the least, a terrified Zach Wilson cut off his pinky finger Thursday to get out of being drafted and shipped off to the Jets. “I’ve heard about what happens there, quarterbacks leave home and they never come back, I don’t want that to happen to me,” said Wilson, who claimed it was not fair that he could be forced to risk his life and not even have any choice or power over the matter. “People will call me a coward but I don’t care, I’m only 21, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. Even the people that do make it back are ruined forever. I hear Mark Sanchez just wanders around the park mumbling all day before erupting in screaming fits. I’m not the kind of person that can survive that.” At press time, a bleeding, fingerless Wilson was being informed by Jets general manager Joe Douglas that due to an extreme talent shortage, they would be drafting him anyway.

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