PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are practicing soccer, Adidas is a leader in all the items made for soccer,” said spokesperson Marc Alvarez, who claimed that Adidas soccer-likers had been working with the most advanced soccerologists to learn exactly what would help all the soccer stars out there perform at soccer. “Soccer people are going to love running around and playing soccer in our amazing soccer gear. Balls, soccer shirts with technology that wicks soccer sweat and targets soccer areas, even shoulder pads, and all of it will be available in all the soccer colors. We’ll be showing it off later this week once Messi comes in and models it. Or wait, is Messi the tennis guy?” Alvarez added that as part of a nationwide soccer ad campaign, Adidas would be the primary sponsor of this year’s Super Soccer Cup.