ANAHEIM, CA—With baseball experts and fans alike agreeing that a player of his abilities hadn’t been seen in the major leagues for a century, comparisons of Shohei Ohtani to the legendary Babe Ruth reportedly continued to grow Thursday after the hammered Los Angeles Angel ate 53 hot dogs. “Simply put, Ohtani is the first MLB player who can drink 15 beers in under an hour, put away several dozen hot dogs, smoke six cigars, and then hit the town since Ruth was in his prime,” said sports journalist Callum Berg, highlighting Ohtani’s recent performance in which he drank a pregame fifth of whiskey in the clubhouse after spending the previous night in the company of prostitutes as just one example of his greatness. “The craziest part is that he’s still getting better. Sure, there are other players who can drink a quart of moonshine over the course of an evening or subsist entirely off of processed meat, but no one else in the game today can do both like Ohtani can. That he’s able to do all that while keeping up pretty serious chewing tobacco and cigarette habits is nothing short of amazing. There’s no doubt that we’re witnessing history in the making.” Baseball observers said Ohtani might even eclipse Ruth’s legacy if he were to break the Yankee great’s record for the most games getting a pitching win and hitting a home run while also suffering from an intestinal abscess and six different venereal diseases.
