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Band Really Busting Asses To Earn Local Concertgoer’s Head Nod

PORTLAND, ME—Questioning how far they would have to go to gain the man’s approval, members of area band Zachariah Flood, halfway through their second set at the Apohadion Theater, confirmed Tuesday they were really busting their asses to earn a local concertgoer’s head nod. “Damn it, I thought we had him with the tight groove on our last number, but it turned out that little motion he did was just to check his phone,” said lead vocalist Evan Parr, visibly sweating as he flailed around onstage and danced back-to-back with the band’s guitarist in an attempt to elicit a single rhythmic head movement from the immobile 33-year-old in the audience. “We’ve tried everything: a song that goes double-time, a bass solo, a clap-along audience-participation thing, and an a cappella chorus with some pretty sweet harmonies. Meanwhile, this asshole hasn’t given us so much as a toe-tap. What the fuck, man? I’m not saying he needs to start fist-pumping, but that doesn’t mean he has to stand stock-still like that.” At press time, the concertgoer had reportedly walked out of the show when, as a last resort, all five members of the band simultaneously locked eyes with him and started nodding, creeping the shit out of him.

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