Biden Dead After Aide Accidentally Presses Soft Spot On Top Of Skull

WASHINGTON—Despite numerous warnings to be gentle with the commander in chief’s fragile head, President Biden was declared dead Wednesday after an aide accidentally pressed the soft spot on top of his skull. “It is with a heavy heart that I inform you all that the president was pronounced dead shortly after an aide pressed the delicate fontanel atop his head,” said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, explaining that the event occurred when the aide was trying to wipe applesauce out of Biden’s hair and pressed too hard on the area where his skull wasn’t yet fully formed. “It should have been obvious something was wrong when advisors heard a squelching sound seconds before the president collapsed to the floor. Just know that we are looking into why the Secret Service removed President Biden’s protective helmet in the first place.” According to reports, the aide has been racked with guilt thinking about whether things would have been different if he had just propped up the president’s head by supporting his neck.