Scientists based in China have created a monkey chimera with two sets of DNA, experimental work they say could ultimately benefit medical research and the conservation of endangered species. What do you think?
“Don’t you mean God created a monkey with two sets of DNA?”
Mike Taylor, Belt Reinforcer
CHICAGO—Unable to tell the group of acquaintances how he really earns his living, Meta employee Alex Kondell reportedly stated Monday that he works as a guard in a private prison for disabled children. “I actually left Meta forever ago—yeah, I’m much happier now, ” said Kondell, who, too ashamed to admit he stills works as a Facebook software engineer, chose instead to inform the circle of people he was chatting with that he has a job “throwing food scraps through the bars of cages and screaming at handicapped children to eat.” “We got all kinds of kids incarcerated: 16-year-olds with Down syndrome, 5-year-olds paralyzed from the neck down. Yep, you bet we beat them! It’s pretty chill. I’m so glad I left big tech.” At press time, sources confirmed Kondell was consoling himself with the thought that it was really only a white lie considering the kinds of things Meta does.
CHICAGO—Blasting the writer for clearly abandoning his artistic ideals in pursuit of commercial success, sources confirmed Monday that sellout poet Cullen Quinn Roberts had earned over $150 in 2023 alone. “God, this hack is practically rolling in it after having his chapbook Anagram Arpeggio published by a small press—what happened to doing it for the sake of the art?” said fellow poet Camille Yau-Mosley, describing how Roberts had sacrificed all of his principles in a ravenous pursuit of fame and fortune that had allowed him to earn $153.50 and reach an estimated audience of 35 readers through his four appearances in print. “Plus, he did that blowout reading at Moonlight Books in front of, like, five people. It’s like he forgot what poetry is all about, and now it’s just money, money, money for him. Fucking unbelievable.” Sources urged the artistic imposter to come back down to earth and spend some time with the mere mortals who only got paid with two complimentary copies of the literary journals in which their poems had been published.
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to reframe the conversation by ending the discussion altogether, advocates across the country encouraged the public on Monday to stop using any term at all to refer to homeless people. “Given the widespread chronic issue of unhoused individuals, we recommend that people who want to discuss the homelessness problem in the United States refrain from making any reference to them whatsoever,” said activist Daniel Morganson, who added that instead of saying “homeless,” it would be far more acceptable to silently stare off into the distance. “Any mention of the homeless could be considered offensive, which is why it’s important for everyone to act like they don’t exist. We don’t want to risk humanizing them.” At press time, the advocates clarified that it was still okay to call the homeless “subhuman leeches on society.”
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to showcase his commitment to conservative voters, the Ron DeSantis campaign released a disturbing new ad Monday that revealed the candidate was wearing a rubber diaper to focus on campaigning. “As your president, my priority will be you—not whatever’s been brewing inside my diaper for the past three weeks,” said DeSantis, who was seen grimacing and sweating in the 30-second advertisement that played on millions of television screens across Iowa and New Hampshire. “This diaper rash? It stands for freedom. The smell? That stands for American families. The bacterial infection my doctor warned will kill me? That’s for the unborn. I won’t waste valuable taxpayer dollars sitting on the toilet or changing this thing. Nope, it’s never coming off. Casey already told me she refuses to change it.” The ad concluded with the 2024 presidential candidate sticking both arms down the back of his pants and furiously scratching.
WASHINGTON—With a clear majority of their constituents demanding a ceasefire, members of Congress instructed staffers on Monday to smash any phone that received a call about Palestine. “Should voters attempt to reach you to express their opposition to hostilities in Gaza, please make sure the device on which they contact you is shattered into thousands of little pieces,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, who joined House Speaker Mike Johnson in stating that it didn’t matter if the phones were hit repeatedly with a hammer, ground to bits beneath the heel of a shoe, or hurled into the Potomac, so long as the calls for an armistice were never heard. “When an email pleading for peace in Gaza is received on a laptop, it should ideally be carried to the top of Capitol dome and dropped 300 feet to the pavement below. Please note that since our Republican friends have removed metal detectors from the House floor, pulling out a gun and emptying several rounds of ammunition into your phone is also an option.” House leaders went on to state that if thoughts about a negotiated end to the violence entered the head of a staffer, they were instructed to smash their head by throwing themselves in front of an oncoming Metro train.
LOS ANGELES—Following the conclusion of The Marvels, the latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, a post-credits scene teases a much better film that all the actors could’ve been in if the MCU didn’t exist. “After the credits rolled, the screen opened on a mature, compelling drama that featured Brie Larson and Teyonah Parris depicting complex and nuanced characters,” film critic Ross Bowden said Monday, describing the post-credits scene’s intriguing glimpse into an alternate reality in which the entertainment industry wasn’t plagued with the incessant onslaught of mass-produced superhero blockbuster slop, thereby allowing the actors in The Marvels to accept roles that were creatively fulfilling. “You can see how proud the actors are in their work in this hypothetical film. The scene gives a short-but-sweet taste of how the people involved in the making of this film could have created something worth watching instead of churning out the bland, overproduced content represented in The Marvels. You can actually tell the performers are reacting to each other’s emotions and not just standing in front of a green screen. It’s amazing.” At press time, Marvel fans had reportedly slammed the post-credits scene as “so boring.”
WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the nation’s mental health crisis, the American Psychological Association issued a blanket recommendation Monday for depressed individuals to cheer themselves up with a cool, tasty root beer float. “In recent decades, clinical depression has risen to epidemic levels in the United States, and people need to know there are practical steps they can take to prepare a fizzy, creamy root beer float that will immediately make them forget their troubles and become very, very happy,” said Dr. Terri Langham, stressing that those affected would not need a prescription for the soda, the vanilla ice cream, or the frosty glass involved in stimulating the patient’s taste buds, but unfortunately should expect to pay for the treatment out of pocket. “Sadly, very few insurance companies cover black cows or egg creams or lime rickeys, likely because the healthcare industry has a long way to go in catching up with carbonated treatments for mental health, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t safe or effective. Our group of professional therapists and psychological researchers have all confirmed there’s no way parking yourself at the counter of your local soda fountain until you’re slurping at the last bit of sarsaparilla from the bottom of a malt glass will not result in a complete reversal of the effects of despondency as you are skipping home while saying ‘Yum yum in my tum’ in a singsongy tune.” The APA went on to confirm that generic root beers work just as well as name brands in the treatment of depression, so long as the French vanilla ice cream is made from real vanilla beans.
WASHINGTON—Providing a relatively subdued display of pomp and circumstance for a less revered group of service members, the White House held a smaller Veterans Day ceremony today to honor those U.S. soldiers who, while serving their nation in combat operations, mostly killed kids. “Though we are truly thankful for everything these veterans have done for our country, we do have to rein in our expressions of gratitude just a bit in cases where most of the confirmed kills were civilians under the age of 18,” said White House aide Stephanie Howard, adding that the discrete ceremony was attended by drone operators who killed kids in Afghanistan and Pakistan, soldiers who killed kids in free-fire zones in Vietnam, and a few surviving B-25 pilots who killed kids in World War II strafing missions. “We wanted to recognize these servicemen and women and their contributions to keeping America free, but decided it best to show our appreciation in a modest conference room we rented at a Marriott out in the Virginia suburbs. We just put up a couple wreaths, served some light snacks, and were out of there in 20 minutes.” According to reports, the much larger ceremony held at Arlington National Cemetery remained open to American presidents and Pentagon top brass who approved the attacks that mostly killed kids.
Three giant pandas departed the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, D.C. back to China, an indication of colder ties between the two nations and marking the end of more than 50 years of Chinese pandas being housed at the zoo. What do you think?
“Who will we artificially inseminate now?”
Catya Tate, Votive Distributor
