Thursday, May 23, 2024
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Study Suggests Chimpanzees Also Go Through Menopause


A study published in Science which tracked the hormone levels of 185 female chimpanzees suggests that our closest DNA relatives also go through menopause, a rare condition in the animal kingdom that was previously thought to only be experienced by humans and some species of whales. What do you think?

“The more I learn about them, the more I’m amazed at what complex creatures women are.”

Roman Mishra, Pet Doula

Thrifter Strikes Gold With Vintage Amazon Essentials Jacket From 2021


NASHUA, NH—Looking over his shoulder to make sure no one else copped his find, local thrifter Brian Gresbaum told reporters Thursday he had struck gold with a vintage Amazon Essentials jacket from 2021. “Oh my god, there’s no way this is an authentic Amazon Essential soft-shell jacket from their fall 2021 collection,” said Gresbaum, explaining that $10 was a steal for the item, especially given that the jacket originally retailed for $15. “You can tell that it’s an all-synthetic polyester and spandex blend just from the feel of the fabric. And there’s no beating the quality of this made-in-Vietnam stuff. They really do make it exactly like they used to.” At press time, sources confirmed the Amazon Essentials jacket had completely disintegrated the second Gresbaum put on the coat.

Scientists Train Full-Grown Man To Ask For Help When Needed


STANFORD, CA—In a cutting-edge breakthrough for their field, psychologists at Stanford University confirmed Thursday they had trained a full-grown man to ask for help when he needed it. “After years of rigorous experimentation, we believe the test subject, whom we have named Buster, is finally capable of requesting assistance from others,” said researcher Alexandria Walker, who shared that her team of scientists had placed a bowl of chips on a high shelf and spent three years in the laboratory observing the 52-year-old man struggle to reach it. “We used techniques of both reinforcement and punishment, offering Buster deli meat when he looked our way and administering an electric shock each time he mustered an ‘I can do it all by myself.’ After nearly 30 months of experimentation, he finally grunted and gestured toward the stepladder he knew was kept in a locked cabinet. The implications are staggering. We hope that one day, full-grown men everywhere will be capable of asking for help when they need it.” At press time, Walker added that she believed with only another five years of training, the man would be capable of using words like “please.”

Presidential Motorcade Stops To Pick Up Blood-Soaked Hitchhiker


WASHINGTON—After a vagrant emerged from the darkness along the highway and beckoned toward the vehicles with his wickedly sharp blade, President Joe Biden directed his motorcade to pullover and pick up a blood-soaked hitchhiker, sources reported Thursday. “Wow, that poor guy with the meat cleaver sure looks like he could use a ride,” said Biden, who told Secret Service agents to stop the presidential limousine and scoot over to make room for the strange man who had blood dripping off his face and clothes and appeared to wear no shoes. “Had a rough night, haven’t you, fella? Well, we can take you as far as 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. If you need to go further than that, you’re on your own.” At press time, the hitchhiker, who was revealed to be the ghost of the late President John F. Kennedy, had reportedly killed Biden as revenge for living in his cursed former home.

Flu Vaccination Could Prevent Heart Attacks


A recent study of more than 9,000 participants found that the flu shot was linked to a lower risk of major cardiovascular events, with individuals who received regular flu vaccinations experiencing 26% fewer heart attacks and 33% fewer deaths from cardiovascular disease. What do you think?

“There’s always a trade off.”

Graciela Purwin, Fibula Expert

World’s Issues Come To Halt So Area Woman Can Deal With Her Own Problems


PORTLAND, ME—Conceding that they had been piling up lately in an unsustainable way, the world’s issues, domestic and international, reportedly came to a halt Wednesday so that local woman Patricia Hanlon could deal with her own problems. “We didn’t mean to add more to your plate, Patty—we’ll take a break, and you figure out your own stuff, okay?” said the collective issues of climate change, human-trafficking, nuclear proliferation, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, democratic backsliding, the erosion of voting rights in the American South, tuberculosis in sub-Saharan Africa, economic inequality, the Yemeni genocide, creeping authoritarianism, global alcoholism, countless refugee crises, mass extinction, the Chinese detention of Uyghurs, animal welfare, domestic abuse, pornography addiction, the struggling film industry, and gender inequality, among numerous others, which admitted that it wasn’t fair to the 28-year-old woman not to give her space and time to live her own life. “Look, we know we’re a lot to take in, and you have enough to contend with. You have to finish out work through the holidays, and then there’s all that stressful travel. Plus, you have books to catch up on. As of now, we’re on a hiatus. Seriously: Go to the gym. Watch some movies. Cook something new. We’ll be here when you get back.” At press time, the halt to the world’s most pressing issues had reportedly gone completely unobserved after Hanlon spent the entire day growing increasingly fixated on an annoying email from her supervisor.

Crest Introduces New Ham And Cheese Whitening Sandwiches


CINCINNATI—Claiming its latest product was recommended by nine out of 10 deli guys, oral hygiene mainstay Crest announced Wednesday it had launched a new line of ham and cheese whitening sandwiches. “Want a whiter smile that’s never tasted better?” a press release from Crest read in part, going on to state that the new formulation used the deep-cleaning action of Black Forest ham, extra-sharp cheddar, and brown mustard to break down the surface stains that accumulate on tooth enamel. “According to studies, teeth that have yellowed over time can become several shades lighter with daily applications of delicious dry-cured pork and sourdough bread, which are two to three times more likely to deliver results than a turkey club or a Reuben. Eat a Crest ham and cheese in bed each night and wake up with whiter teeth every morning!” Crest also announced it had released a kosher offering of matzo ball soup for sensitive teeth.

New Monthly Subscription Box Sends Customers 10 Things From Founder’s House He Doesn’t Want Anymore


SAN FRANCISCO—Joining a plethora of similar subscription boxes already on the market, a new service called BradBox ships customers 10 items every month that company founder and CEO Brad Lazarow has around his home but no longer wants. “There’s no theme and no thought put into it—just 10 things the CEO found under his bed or in a drawer that he decided he no longer had any use for,” said company spokesperson Elissa Kim, who noted that for only $49 a month, BradBox subscribers would receive a jumble of stuff in a beautiful, aesthetically pleasing shoe box or old Amazon box, depending on which one Lazarow had lying around his office. “From refrigerator magnets to pens that don’t work anymore, BradBox is the best way to discover exciting new products. Last month, some of the items BradBox subscribers received included a chip clip, a washcloth, a glove, a Chewy granola bar, a pair of promotional sunglasses that Brad got for free at a street fair, and The King’s Speech on DVD! Plus, premium-tier subscribers will even receive some of Brad’s wife’s stuff.” At press time, BradBox had reportedly been hit by a lawsuit from FabFitFun.

Cats Kill Thousands Of Species Across The World


A paper published in Nature Communications reported that more than 2,000 species, 350 of which are of conservation concern, have been hunted by free-ranging domestic cats, with the lead researcher stating, “We don’t really know of any other mammal that eats this many different species.” What do you think?

“Don’t act like birds are innocent in all this.”

Jessica Hettena, Oil Bottler

Lying To Sponsor Easy


CHICAGO—Despite the expectation of honesty implicit in the journey of healing from addiction, anonymous sources reported Tuesday that lying to a sponsor is actually very easy. “They ask you questions to check on your progress, but you can totally just lie, no problem,” said a man leaving a meeting in the basement of First Unitarian Church, explaining that all you had to do was omit what had actually happened that week, and you could continue earning more chips. “I said, ‘I was prepared for the temptation and have been able to abstain over the holidays,’ but I totally went on a five-day bender. It was easy to get away with. As far as my sponsor knows, I haven’t had a drink in over a year. I thought I would get cold feet and maybe spill the beans on everything, but nope, lying has been easy peasy.” At press time, the anonymous man stated that his sponsor had no idea that he was currently drunk.