Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

NEW YORK—In a nation mired in a deadly pandemic, mass civilian street actions, widespread environmental degradation, and collapsing institutions under the fourth year of Donald Trump’s presidency, it had become clear to sources Friday that Bob Dylan was not exactly rising to the occasion as far as his current protest music goes. “Seriously, we’re in this terrible moment full of awful crises and wanton violence, which really should be easy fodder for even a half-decent protest singer, and here Bob Dylan can’t even get his shit together for a three-minute tune,” sources said, adding that apparently the so-called Voice of a Generation couldn’t cobble together at least one extended metaphor that fiercely and poetically captured the current situation for a 2020 audience. “We gave you a Nobel Prize for Literature, and for what? So you can release some esoteric 17-minute song about the Kennedy assassination in goddamn March and call it a day? We’re still droning people in half a dozen countries, for Christ’s sake. Look, you have a lot of options here—some sparsely instrumented yet grand statement that perfectly summarizes the current maelstrom of blame and chaos like ‘Blowin’ In The Wind’ or ‘The Times They Are A-Changin’’ would be ideal, obviously, but if you would rather hone in on some specific episode of social injustice that serves as a microcosm of a commentary on systemic issues, like ‘Hurricane’ or ‘The Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carroll,’ that works too. Your lyrics don’t even rhyme. All you have to do is sit down with a guitar and just poignantly and pointedly attack the actions of the Trump administration, or really any other aspect of our present moment. It’s not like we’re lacking for subject matter. Jesus, Bob, get your shit together.” Sources added that they would give Dylan the rest of the month to release something as galvanizing and timelessly true as “Masters Of War.”