Friday, June 14, 2024
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CEOs Announce Plans To Be Total Fucking Freaks When You Run Into Them In The Bathroom

NEW YORK—Citing their complete lack of self-awareness and inability to read basic social cues, the nation’s CEOs gathered Monday to announce their plan to be total fucking freaks when you run into them in the bathroom. “Please note that we may make direct eye-contact and chat about random topics while standing next to you at the urinal, or suddenly launch into a full-on conversation while in a neighboring stall,” said Francis Poole, CEO of eFinance Limited, who added that after they had finished using the facilities, the chief executives would charge over to shake your hand without bothering to wash theirs, and it would at no point occur to them that this was disgusting. “This will be the single interaction we have with you the entire year, and it will probably continue longer than necessary, even after neither of us has any reason to be in the restroom anymore. During this exchange, we will ask you questions about yourself for the first time ever, regardless of whether another employee is taking a shit five feet away from us. We know that afterward you’ll tell your coworkers about how we are fucking freaks, and frankly, we don’t care.” The nation’s CEOs went on to state that, having not bothered to give their genitals a sufficient number of shakes, they planned to exit the bathroom with a visible spot of urine on their khakis.

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