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Colleagues Give Dr. Fauci Rubella As Retirement Gift

WASHINGTON—In an effort to thank the outgoing director for his more than 50 years of dedicated public service, employees at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told reporters Tuesday they had given Dr. Anthony Fauci rubella as a retirement gift. “After all his hard work at the NIAID and serving as our fearless leader during the Covid pandemic, the least we could do was give Dr. Fauci a very rare and highly contagious viral infection to remember us by,” said colleague Dr. Rachel Ipser, adding that she and her fellow staff members knew the departing agency head loved it simply by the way he was coughing, wincing, and constantly scratching his entire body. “Even though he’s very humble, and he’d never ask for us to do anything, we just knew he’d really appreciate taking a walk down memory lane with a disease that was eradicated in the United States in 2004. Now, when he looks in the mirror and sees his red eyes, swollen lymph nodes, and the rapidly spreading, itchy pink rash slowly overtaking his trunk, arms, and legs, he’ll always be able to think of his time here. We’ll miss him, and we wish him a swift, healthy recovery.” At press time, colleagues told reporters that Dr. Fauci had reportedly loved the gift so much that he insisted on sharing it with his entire fever-stricken, rash-covered staff.

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