NEW YORK—Accusing her of being selfish and unfit to be a gold medal gymnast, conservatives blasted Simone Biles Wednesday for robbing them of the opportunity to criticize her win. “As of today, Ms. Biles has not only betrayed her country and her fans, but denied us the chance to pick apart every single word she would have said while celebrating a victory for team USA,” said Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson, adding that if she really was the Greatest of All Time, she’d have performed and given him plenty of ammunition to call her composure and facial expressions “smug,” “ungrateful,” and “cocky.” “What Simone Biles has done today is a slap in the face, not for just the United States, not just for gymnastics, but for me and all my colleagues, who had dozens of scathing segments attacking her skimpy uniform, her steely composure, and her recent forays into social justice. So, Simone, if you’re watching, I hope you and team USA are happy, because now America will never get to hear us call you a sore winner, and equate the gymnastic moves named after you with a tainted legacy.” At press time, Carlson played a clip of Kerri Strug vaulting with a broken ankle, and pointed out how she wasn’t afraid to be ripped apart for winning gold.