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HomeSportsPhillip Morris Launches High-Performance Sport Cigarette For Abusive Olympic Parents

Phillip Morris Launches High-Performance Sport Cigarette For Abusive Olympic Parents

NEW YORK—Touting the inhalant as the first of its kind to give the parents of athletes the extra push they need, Phillip Morris unveiled a new line of high-performance sport cigarettes Thursday for abusive Olympic parents. “When you’re forcing your child to do punishing workout after workout, your body depletes a lot of its ammonia and formaldehyde, and that’s when Marlboro Power Plus has got you covered,” said CEO Jacek Olczak, telling reporters that the cigarettes contain a signature mix of carcinogens to help keep consumers energized as they scream at their offspring from the stands that they’ll never succeed. “Whether you need something to gesture with as you explain how your stupid kid is flushing away her future, or you’re working to develop an angry raspy voice that will echo in your child’s head for the rest of his life, Marlboro will help give you the tenacity to keep bullying them until the authorities pry you away.” Olczak added that using Marlboro Power Plus to singe your child’s wrist when they make a mistake had not yet been approved by the FDA.

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