ARLINGTON, TX—Hoping to light a fire under the executive after years of poor performance, the Dallas Cowboys signed a young 70-year-old backup owner on Tuesday to compete with Jerry Jones for his job. “We love Jerry, but he just hasn’t been performing to his full potential the past few decades, so we thought the time was right to give him a little motivation,” said vice president Stephen Jones, who claimed that while the Cowboys are not planning on moving on from their longtime owner, it did not hurt to have a little insurance if his skills continue to decline. “It’s not meant as a sign of disrespect, but in the end, it’s all about results and how the team did last year. You can’t just coast by on your legacy. We also can’t deny that Jerry is getting up there and is a serious injury risk. His career could be cut short by a heart attack or stroke any day now.” At press time, Jones was demanding to be traded to another franchise unless the team replaced underperforming executive Jerry Jones Jr.