Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s Genitals

LEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema, the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other’s genitals. “Our top-of-the-line multiplexes offer teenage moviegoers the unparalleled, multisensory experience of grinding on one another in a dark and unsupervised place where the latest box-office hits are always playing,” said marketing executive Amanda Crenshaw, adding that all AMC theaters had been outfitted with comfortable, reclining seats in which adolescent viewers could enjoy erogenous-zone stimulation over or under their clothes. “Even the most high-end home setups still require you to hide any mutual fondling under a blanket in case a parent walks in, but at AMC you can relax beneath a 50-foot screen while sticking your hands down your partner’s pants or dry humping in one of our dimly lit back corners. Plus, our state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos sound system ensures that no matter where you sit, you can breathe and moan heavily into your girl- or boyfriend’s ear without being overheard by the people in front of you. Nothing quite compares to a night at the movies, whether you reach climax or just wind up going home with chafed, aching genitals.” Crenshaw went on to add that teenage patrons who were not currently hooking up with anyone might still enjoy doing a bunch of edibles, getting extremely high, and having a public panic attack during an eardrum-blasting action sequence.