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Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point

BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the verge of watching them play one-on-one Wiffle ball yesterday,” said Moyer, who begrudgingly admitted he was actually interested in a modified version of kickball that his eldest son, Max, had developed the other week. “I guess it’s come down to this. I never thought teaching my son how to grip a football would be more interesting than watching ESPN. This lockdown needs to end before I’m driven to play soccer with them—even risking death would be better than that.” At press time, Moyer had stumbled upon a “gold mine” of classic ’90s NBA games that could help him go weeks without having to look at his kids again.

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