EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been a fan for almost 30 years, and it’s tough thinking that I may never wake up hungover on a Monday morning and be told the Bills are champions,” said Padula, who recounted formative memories of watching the Jim Kelly Bills and shaking his father awake on the bathroom floor to commiserate in their losses. “I just want that moment where my friends and family are going crazy around me while I’m passed out drooling on the couch. As a Buffalo fan, some people have been waiting their whole lives for that. Even just one chance to piece together memories of an amazing win from online clips and my friend’s description of the game would be enough for me.” At press time, Padula stated that his sadness over never having a celebratory drink in honor of a Bills Super Bowl win meant he needed a drink.