THE HEAVENS—Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. “He’s been so good resisting temptation and respecting chastity over the past few decades that the least I could do is give the poor guy a little release,” said God, adding that seeing the stern expression on Nevastri’s face as he slumbered in his dormitory had convinced the deity that sending the monk a few erotic dreams that culminated in a nocturnal emission wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. “As far as wet dreams go, I can make it pretty tame. It’s been about five years since his last one. So all I have to do is let him fantasize about having missionary-style sex with an anonymous woman for a few brief, joyous seconds. Man, it’s going to absolutely blow his mind.” At press time, God added that He would, of course, also make the monk’s mind fill with a pervading sense of guilt after he awoke to discover his involuntary ejaculation staining the bed sheets.