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Hertz Hopeful New Football Player Spokesperson Doesn’t Murder Two People This Time Around

ESTERO, FL—Calling the recent signing of Tom Brady “exciting as long as it goes better than last time,” Hertz CEO Paul Stone told reporters Wednesday that they hoped signing a football player as a spokesperson would not end with two people being murdered again. “We’re excited Tom is part of the Hertz team, but we got burned once already so we are obviously a little tentative,” said Stone, who reiterated that he had no expectations Brady would go on to murder his ex-wife and her suspected lover a decade from now. “We think Tom is a safe pick, he seems like a pretty happy guy with a nice family. We believe the chances of this going south and his commercials becoming a sad factoid in the discussion of his flight from the police and subsequent headlining trial are pretty slim. If it happens again, they’re probably going to start calling it the Hertz Curse or something, and that is the last thing we want.” Stone added that they were also excited about the upcoming slate of commercials featuring Brady going on a cross-country road trip with Ray Lewis.

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