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‘Handled Variety Of Tasks,’ Writes Kamala Harris, Struggling To Fill Out Performance Review Self-Assessment

WASHINGTON—Struggling to describe her work responsibilities in the most favorable manner possible, Vice President Kamala Harris wrote, “Handled variety of tasks,” on the self-assessment portion of her annual White House performance review, administration officials confirmed Tuesday. “Obviously, I want to give myself a report that makes it sound like I perform a crucial role here, but I also don’t want to lie,” Harris reportedly said to herself as she sat in her West Wing office and stared at the blank form, eventually resorting to a Googled list of phrases commonly used by employees when evaluating themselves. “Let’s see. Oh, that’s good—I’ll put that I ‘used my organizational and problem-solving skills to help others facilitate the achievement of key objectives.’ That could mean anything. And I can say, ‘Worked in close proximity to the president.’ That’s technically correct, because the Oval Office is just around the corner and down the hall a ways. ‘Reliable’ is accurate—I’m on time every morning, and then I’m right here, sitting at this desk, the whole day.” According to reports, Harris went on to complete the self-assessment’s future goals section by writing that she plans to “continue asking for more high-profile assignments” and to “be prepared to take on more important duties as soon as they are assigned to me.”

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