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High Schoolers Make Pact To Lose Developing Fetuses Before Graduation

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Gripping each other’s pinky fingers and swearing they would be totally transformed by the end of May, local high schoolers Emma Hedges and Brooke Sinclair reportedly made a pact last week to lose their developing fetuses before graduation. “You’re going to lose Ethan’s, and I’m going to lose Sean’s—it’ll be perfect!” said Hedges, explaining that she had devised a plan with Sinclair to throw a blowout party after prom where they would get the deed done, because she was sick of all of their classmates thinking of them as knocked-up losers. “Can you imagine how lame we’ll look if we show up to college next fall with an infant in tow? We’ve got to do this. Promise you won’t chicken out on me? I even already raided my dad’s liquor cabinet to get us started.” At press time, the two teenagers maintained it was “totally worth it” despite getting grounded by their parents for the rest of the summer.

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