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Lions Fan Praying Players Start Protesting Police Brutality Or Something So He Can Stop Watching

NOVI, MI—Carefully scrutinizing the athletes lining up before the national anthem, Detroit Lions fan Greg Burnett was reportedly praying Thursday that the players start protesting police brutality or something so he could stop watching. “Christ, is it too much to ask some backup defensive back to take a knee against racial injustice or whatever so I can angrily shut off the game and not have to watch the Lions lose again?” said Burnett, adding that he hoped against hope that a player would at least make a politically symbolic gesture during a touchdown celebration so he could get all worked up about politics infringing on sports and rationalize changing the channel. “I don’t want to see any politics during the football game, but mostly I don’t want to be watching the Lions at all. I can’t just turn the game off, though, and be accused of being a fair-weather fan, or only watching the team when they’re winning. So I’m left wishing for a player to write ‘BLM’ on his shoes or make a power fist, anything that will offend my ideological beliefs and mercifully give me cover to shut this miserable shit off.” At press time, Burnett decided he could use Trey Flowers looking slightly bored during the national anthem as disrespectful enough of the country and the troops’ sacrifice that he could stop watching the game in protest.

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