New Guided Mental Breakdown App Directs User To Throw Vase Through Window

SAN JOSE, CA—Marketed with the claim that in just 15 minutes a day the service can completely ruin a person’s life, a new guided mental breakdown app directs users to throw a vase through the nearest window, sources reported Thursday. “Manically exhale as you shatter your antique vase through your living room window,” the app’s disembodied voice says over loud industrial noises, instructing users to take a moment to be mindful of everything caving in all around them, and of how there is no escape. “Breathe in, scream out. That’s right. Do you feel your sense of control slipping away? Good. Now pick up the shards of glass from the ground and threaten to harm yourself and a loved one.” At press time, the app reportedly began offering a 14-day free trial to help users shit all over themselves and run naked through the streets.