NEW YORK—Drawing from almost three decades of experience of jerking off in the city, local New Yorker James Greene was reportedly counseling friend Troy Balaz Thursday on how to masturbate on the subway without looking like a tourist. “Don’t use two hands or you’ll look like a doofus,” said Greene, who told Balaz that if he just relaxed and tried to look natural, no one would doubt that this was something he had done countless times before. “You might see some mentally ill people on there, but don’t stare at them while you do it. Promise you won’t embarrass me. We’re just going to get on and get off real quick. And don’t even think about asking me if we can go masturbate in Times Square.” At press time, Greene was mortified after Balaz had pulled out his phone and started taking pictures.