CHARLOTTE, NC—Bringing him into Bank of America Stadium where they washed off the grime with a nice warm bath, the Carolina Panthers adopted a patchy-haired, shivering rescue quarterback named Sam Thursday, who had spent years being abused by the New York Jets. “When we saw him, our hearts just broke and we knew we had to give up a few draft picks to get him,” said Panthers coach Matt Rhule, who revealed that Sam was so traumatized by the years he spent mistreated in New Jersey that he ran into a corner and started whimpering when they first threw a ball to him. “He’s in rough shape, he was beat up pretty bad so he didn’t want to go anywhere near the coaches and other players at first, but we eventually coaxed him out with a nice meal. The sheer lack of positive experiences he’s had with football probably mean he’s scarred for life, but that doesn’t make him a bad quarterback. We think with some love and attention, he could get healthy and maybe even become a decent backup.” At press time, Sam had scrambled under a bench and started crying after seeing the Jets logo on the Panthers 2021 regular season schedule.