Post-Pandemic Cinema-Goers’ Eyes, Ears Rupture As Senses Overwhelmed By Theater Experience

BRENTWOOD, CA—Unaccustomed to the sheer intensity of the sights and sounds before them, post-pandemic cinema-goers’ eyes and ears reportedly ruptured Wednesday as their senses were overwhelmed by the theater experience. “Oh God, no—what’s that noise—what the hell am I looking at?” said an unidentified person present at a matinee screening, who was just one among dozens of filmgoers at the AMC theater who began screaming at the top of their lungs, gushing blood from their ears, and attempting to claw out their own eyeballs in response to the unanticipated sensory assault. “No, no! It’s too much, the IMAX is just too much! Jesus Christ, that man’s head just exploded. Turn it off! Can’t you hear me? I said, turn it off!” At press time, the few moviegoers who had survived the Coca-Cola pre-roll were finished off by the opening credits of Free Guy.