SAN QUENTIN, CA—Acknowledging that the official was impartial in his ruthless abuse, local inmate Edward Anthony told reporters Wednesday that the prison warden was sadistic but fair. “Even though the warden has a tough job, I think he’s really good at doling out evil, cruel, and inhumane punishments in a way that’s totally even-handed,” said Anthony, adding that inmates never felt singled out when the warden was beating the shit out of them, denying them food or water, or throwing them in solitary confinement for several weeks at a time. “At the end of the day, he really tries to mentally and physically torture every inmate as equally as possible. Whether he’s calling us racial slurs, tasing us, planting evidence, or threatening to never let us see our families again, he really does seem to get off on it in a way that feels fair. The trick is, there are no favorites. At the end of the day, that’s important.” At press time, Anthony told reports that while he didn’t always agree with his punishments, the warden had absolutely prepared inmates for the abject pain and suffering that they would one day face in the outside world.