BLUE MOUNTAIN, MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development, the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78% of draft prospects were discovered after a scout’s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop. “According to our data, the vast majority of prospects are found by scouts who wandered down a dirt road away from their smoking car, only to stumble on a farm’s driveway,” read the report, explaining that countless NBA stars were discovered when the scout paused in astonishment to watch a kid dunk over and over on a crate hoop tied to an old telephone poll. “Most scouting reports are nothing but the phrases ‘Check this out’ and ‘Wait, this kid’s only 11?’ muttered into a phone as the scout wipes dust from their eyes while the self-taught farm boy nails three after three. For years now, over 70% of NBA draft first-rounders have been evaluated solely off word of mouth from these hundreds of encounters.” The report added that if these prospects are juking around broken-down tractor parts while listening to a poorly produced mixtape, they are immediately offered NBA max contracts.
