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Tom Brady Spends First Day Of Retirement Studying Tape Of People To Learn How They Work

TAMPA, FL—Diligently taking notes on hours of slowed-down video footage, future Hall of Fame quarterback Tom Brady reportedly spent his first day of retirement Tuesday studying tape of people to learn how they operate off the field. “It’s important I study every minute of this so I know what to expect out there,” said the 22-year NFL veteran, pausing on a surprise handshake between two middle-aged men before zooming in on the moment, circling the interlocking palms, and then rewinding and watching it again. “See the way they make firm contact here, midway up the torso, both feet strongly planted on the ground? I think that’s going to be the key to winning out there. It almost looks like they’re pulling both corners of their mouths upward in a reverse-double-hook pattern—I’ve never seen that before. I’m going to have to run this a few more times in the mirror before I hit the showers.” At press time, sources confirmed Brady had been benched after a botched neighborly wave left him with a fractured wrist.

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