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Washington Commanders Primed To Sign Free Agents After Receiving $30 Billion From Defense Budget

WASHINGTON—Saying the cash windfall will go a long way in shoring up their mediocre offense, the newly renamed Washington Commanders told reporters Thursday that they are primed to sign top-tier free agents this off season after receiving $30 billion in funding from the U.S. Department of Defense. “We had some good cap space already, but this funding from Congress will give us a big boost over the teams constrained by the normal $200 million salary cap,” said team GM Martin Mayhew, who expressed interest in using the billions earmarked for national defense to make a run at Davante Adams and J.C. Jackson as well as build a new stadium and hire a world-class support staff to lure talent in the future. “We didn’t even request this money. A check from the Defense Department just showed up in the mail the day after we announced the name change. But I’ll be the first to admit we have big needs on both sides of the ball and this cash means we can easily sign every single free agent out there and see who works out. The only downside is that we’re required to sign a $22 billion non-functioning bomber jet from Boeing as our kicker.” At press time, the Commanders were appearing before Congress to request a 50% increase in funding after burning through the entire budget in less than 48 hours.

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