Boar’s Head Shows Off Chrome-Plated Concept Ham

NEW YORK—Showcasing what it touted as “the cutting edge of pork” to an audience of industry bigwigs and assorted VIPs, deli meat supplier Boar’s Head held an exhibition Friday to show off its new chrome-plated concept ham. “This visionary ham of the future gives you a conceptual understanding of where we’re headed, ham-wise,” Boar’s Head president Carlos Giraldo said to a capacity crowd at the Javits Center in Manhattan, highlighting the streamlined, aerodynamic design of the cured meat product that reportedly took five years and $80 million to develop. “We believe that by 2030, every deli counter in the United States will stock chromed ham, and every household refrigerator will contain this thinly sliced, alloy-infused staple of the American lunch. Behold the greatest revolution in the delicatessen world since the invention of pickles, which, incidentally, will soon be made from aluminum, silicon, and various polycarbonates.” At press time, the ham received rave reviews from taste testers being admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital with heavy metal poisoning.