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HomeSportsBraves Honor Native American Past With Deadly Forced Championship Parade To Oklahoma

Braves Honor Native American Past With Deadly Forced Championship Parade To Oklahoma

ATLANTA—Following the team’s six-game World Series victory over the Houston Astros, the Atlanta Braves announced Wednesday that they would honor the franchise’s Native American past with a deadly forced championship parade to Oklahoma. “What better way to celebrate our team’s heritage than heading out onto the streets and driving the team’s entire roster and staff, along with tens of thousands of Braves fans, over an 850-mile championship parade route under threat of death?” said team president Derek Schiller, celebrating the win by shackling together hundreds of starving, shivering fans and forcing them to stumble alongside a parade float where players including Max Fried and Ozzie Albies were being beaten to death with champagne bottles. “We just wanted to do a little something to honor our team’s namesake. We invite all our fans to spend the next six months dying of exposure and disease while doing the tomahawk chop as we bring you from your homes in Atlanta to a deserted area in southwest Oklahoma, never to return. If you’re not able to participate in the march, which is mandatory for all Braves players, personnel, and season-ticket holders, then we invite you to come spit on the marchers, hit them with projectiles, and yell racial slurs at them to break their spirit while the championship march wears them down physically. Thank you for being part of this magical 2021 Braves season, and anyone who tries to desert the championship parade will be shot.” At press time, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred announced that the league would erect a monument in central Mississippi to commemorate the victims of the 2021 Atlanta Braves championship parade.

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