BTS Thanks Horrifyingly Exploitative System That Got Them Where They Are Today

LOS ANGELES—In an emotional speech touching on all the factors behind their meteoric rise, global pop superstars BTS expressed their heartfelt thanks at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards for the deeply exploitative system that got them where they are today. “Everyone in the band just wants to give our heartfelt appreciation to the corporations and shareholders who never gave up on draining us of all personality and remaking us us into easily interchangeable commercial objects,” said band member RM, speaking on behalf of the K-pop group as he stressed that it had been the honor of his life to be neutered of all trace of sexuality to help keep the wheels of the global music machine greased. “Obviously, I have to acknowledge the swarm of people monitoring my every move to keep me from shattering the carefully crafted image this behemoth has made for me. Shout-out to my manager who keeps me imprisoned within this facade to juice the fantasies of fangirls. I think I speak for everyone when I say that becoming a cog in the K-pop industry was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. Alright, thank you so much! Woo!” At press time, a triumphant Jin had tacked on his appreciation to all the members of their fanbase who would completely lose all interest in him the moment he turned 30.