Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere

TORONTO—Fleeing a life of limited cinematic opportunity, rafts bearing cinephile refugees from the United States began arriving in Canada Wednesday in time for the premiere of Christopher Nolan’s psychological sci-fi thriller Tenet. “I didn’t think we were going to make it until I saw the shape of the theater looming in the shoreline mists before us,” said 34-year-old Lincoln, NE film buff Daniel Molnar, who recalled the perilous three days the group spent adrift in Lake Ontario, sheltering from the relentless sun under makeshift awnings constructed from Criterion Collection blu-ray releases and Pulp Fiction T-shirts. “Once I saw the marquee lights, I knew everything would be okay. We undertook this voyage knowing there was a chance we’d die out there, but we also knew we couldn’t stay in a dull, gray land devoid of blockbuster spy films. My God, I had to leave the entire Dark Knight trilogy behind. I’ll probably never see it again. We also brought some audio equipment so we could do a little podcast after. It’s a little wet. One of our guys had to dive overboard for it at one point. Rest in peace, Tyler.” Molnar added he was planning on sending some bootleg copies home until he could bring his wife and children over to see Tenet for themselves.