ARLINGTON, VA—Feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of options, local defense contractor Erick Yardley told reporters Tuesday he was unsure if he wanted to cook or just have dinner delivered by a politician on their hands and knees. “It’s been a long day, and I told myself I’d make something tonight, but it’s so much easier to just call up [Arizona Sen.] Mark Kelly and get him to bring me a Chipotle bag in his mouth,” said the longtime Boeing executive, adding that it might be nice to just eat delivery and watch something on television while sitting on Louisiana Rep. Steve Scalise. “Sure, I’ve got some stuff in the fridge, but I’m really feeling more in the mood for getting any one of several dozen congresspeople to drop whatever they’re doing and buy me everything on the menu at my favorite Thai place. Honestly, the only problem with ordering takeout is that the choices are kind of overwhelming. I could get [Alabama Rep.] Mike Rogers to construct me a special pizza with eight different slices from eight different pizza places, but I usually do that on Fridays, so I should probably wait on that. I could also go healthy and get [Montana Sen.] Jon Tester to fix me up a salad from the garden in my backyard that he is compelled to maintain. I’m hungry, though, so I’d better make up my mind. Maybe I’ll try calling up that new senator one of my colleagues recommended.” At press time, the defense contractor decided to just eat leftovers he’d been storing in Chuck Schumer.
