WASHINGTON—Following reports that Donald Trump sprayed tear gas at protestors and members of the clergy before a photo-op at St. John’s Church, a panicked aide to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reportedly picked up the phone Tuesday and yelled “she needs a Bible now, fuckwad—yes, it’s for an epic clapback.” “Look, I don’t care how you get it, but get it now, because the clapback queen needed a photo of her in a pink pantsuit, reading a bible on Twitter, Facebook, and the front page of CNN five fucking minutes ago,” said the hoarse, screaming aide, who then added that if she didn’t see a holy text within the next 10 minutes, “your ass will never work in Washington, D.C. again.” “Listen, you little bitch, I don’t care if it’s the middle of a global pandemic, and I don’t give a shit if every bookstore is closed—this is the voice of a generation, so you will rob a fucking church if you have to, do you understand? This is going to be a fucking epic-Trump-takedown-iconic-girlpower-slam. Now hurry the fuck up. Before I end you.” At press time, the aide had slammed down the phone only to pick it up 30 seconds later and yell, “Oh yeah, and refill the Jeni’s ice cream in the fridge, or I’ll rip off your head and feed it to her fucking dog.”
