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HomeSportsFrightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

TOKYO—With the pair continuing to exhibit flawlessly coordinated physical behaviors, reports confirmed frightened Olympic divers Wang Zongyuan and Xie Siyi remained unable to desynchronize their movements Friday, a full two days after winning gold in the 3-meter springboard event. “Oh God, what is happening? Why won’t it stop?” the visibly terrified athletes said in perfect unison, each elegantly duplicating the other’s panicked hair-tugging and nail-biting as they described their struggles to sleep, eat, urinate, and defecate on their own. “We never should have trained together this long! Fuck, somebody help us, please!” At press time, the two divers had reportedly pulled their knees tightly to their chests in a seamless, identical motion, performing a brilliant demonstration of the tuck position as they rocked back and forth in a near-catatonic state.

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