WASHINGTON—Warning the crew to be very careful while transporting his valuables outside the White House, Donald Trump reportedly directed movers Wednesday to load a bubble-wrapped Melania into a storage pod. “All right, everything here that I’ve marked with a Sharpie comes with me, and everything else, including the first lady, goes into a warehouse for storage,” said Trump, as he surveyed dozens of cardboard boxes labeled “kitchen,” “family room,” and “bedroom” before pausing to write the word “FRAGILE” across his wife’s face. “Don’t get me wrong, Melania’s looked great the last four years, but I wouldn’t exactly call her a top-priority item for my new place. Seriously though, if you put even the smallest scratch anywhere on her body, I’ll come after you for all your worth. That’s a rare and expensive Slovenian piece that’s extremely difficult to replace, and I’m more than prepared to sue you for damages.” At press time, Trump was cussing out several movers after they forgot to secure the first lady inside the vehicle, only to open the door and find her crushed beneath a couch.
