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‘Get Me On The First Flight Outta Here’ Says John Cornyn In Hoodie, Sunglasses Banging On Bahamas Airport Desk

NASSAU, BAHAMAS—Avoiding eye contact as he glanced around with clear discomfort, a hoodie- and sunglasses-wearing Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) slammed his fist on a counter and told a Nassau Airport clerk to just shut up and get him on the first flight out of the Bahamas, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, just give me a goddamn ticket back to the United States—anywhere you’ve got, I’ll take it,” said the visibly sweating Cornyn, who urged the clerk to “hurry it up” and buried his face in a travel brochure after seeing a nearby tourist taking photos. “If you can’t get me to Texas, then New Orleans, Oklahoma City, wherever. I’ll rent a car and drive the rest of the way. Just get me on a plane, all right? All right?” At press time, the four-term senator had reportedly winced and shushed the clerk after she printed out a ticket and loudly announced, “Have a nice flight, Mr. Cornyn.”

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