LA VISTA, NE—In a stunning display of self-delusional and outright ignorance, local kindergartner Mia Gaughan told reporters Wednesday that she wants to compete in the Olympics someday despite already being 4 years behind in elite training. “I’m going to be just like her one day!” said Gaughan, pointing to the TV screen where highlights from the Summer Games showed gold medal-winning gymnast Jade Carey executing a series of tumbling passes that only an athlete who had spent their entire formative life training with professional coaches at an exclusive USA Gymnastics-member club for up to 45 hours a week could ever hope to accomplish, a benchmark that someone at Gaughan’s age and level of expertise could not possibly dream of clearing. “I’m going to do all kinds of flips! I’m going to win the gold medal—no, I’m going to win five gold medals! In gymnastics and swimming and horse riding!” At press time, sources had concluded that the child must be either incredibly narcissistic or simply moronic if she thought she even stood a chance of making it to the Olympic trials.