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Cult Leader Warns Followers Things Need To Get Way More Deranged To Be Made Into HBO Documentary Series

SEATTLE—Telling his acolytes that they were simply not hitting the mark to attract the eye of the acclaimed cable channel, Glensard Handswith, principle master of the Tricyclonian Order, warned followers Tuesday that things needed to get way more deranged for their cult to ever be made into an HBO documentary. “All Inductees of the Order, hear me on this grand sanctum day: If we are going to get our story before a prestige audience, we need to amp all the unhinged stuff way, way up,” said the Guiding Teacher, pointing to the relative tameness of the mud-splattered demonic orgies, videotaped unburdening sessions, and 5,000 rounds of live munitions stored in the leadership’s Celestial Yurts. “Obviously, we’ll take Netflix if that’s our best option, but HBO is going to give our narrative room to really breathe—I’m talking nine or ten hours, stark close-ups of excommunicated member testimony, and a really killer cinematographer making all the shots of the compound sing. Only way we’re getting that is if we ramp up our celebrity recruitment and give a few of them permanent brain damage during a Prismatic Tribunal. Unfortunately, inseminating a few teenagers with my divine seed just isn’t cutting mustard anymore.” At press time, Handswith had punished his followers for their failings by forcing them to strip naked in a cold cellar and stitch Tricyclonian patterns into their clothing for eight hours of footage that he said would make great B-Roll.

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