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Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation

‘Child Poverty, Infrastructure, Cyber Warfare, Wildfires, Opioids,’ Adds President. ‘Immigration, Unemployment, Offshoring, Guns.’

WASHINGTON—Carrying on breathlessly with no sign of soon stopping, President Joe Biden’s inaugural address spilled over into the second day Thursday as he continued to list the greatest issues facing the nation. “Child poverty, crumbling infrastructure, cyber warfare, wildfires, opioids, domestic violence, hunger, and homelessness plague our nation—not to mention sex trafficking, automation, hurricanes, obesity, and misinformation,” said Biden, who clutched the podium with both hands in exhaustion as his speech to the nation stretched into its 26th hour, continuing to list immigration, unemployment, offshoring, guns, the wage gap, and water contamination as just a few of thousands of challenges waiting on the road ahead. “Gerrymandering, the decline of manufacturing, sexual harassment, and food deserts. Chlamydia, the cost of insulin, water privatization, credit card debt, dog fighting, and teen drinking. High murder rates on indigenous reservations and rising sea levels and smog. Low teacher salaries, E. coli, data breaches, voter suppression, animal testing, and PTSD. Plus, you can’t forget the student loan crisis, lobster overfishing, the structural inequalities of the Senate, home foreclosures, the loneliness epidemic, toddler drowning deaths, cyberbullying, and suicide.” At press time, Biden had continued rattling off gang violence, robocalling, and asthma as EMTs transported the dehydrated president into an ambulance.

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