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‘It’s Like All The President’s Men Meets Rambo,’ Says Robert Mueller Describing Report To Congress

WASHINGTON—Briefing members of Congress who he doubted had read all the way through the “thrilling tale of redemption and American justice,” Robert Mueller pitched his special counsel report Wednesday as All The President’s Men meets Rambo. “It’s just the story of an all-American badass who gets fed up with the system and dedicates his life to bringing down the corrupt powers that be,” Mueller told the House Judiciary Committee, adding that the 448-page report contains scenes of “wall-to-wall action” in which a tough, determined underdog fights his way through the corridors of power in Washington before finally defeating all his enemies and restoring liberty to the land. “This guy just crushes everything in his path. He’s a killing machine, but he also has a code of honor. Though people constantly count him out, he never stops fighting for freedom and the American way. It’s honestly a fantastic story, and I hope I get to write a sequel.” Mueller did express disappointment over an unfinished portion of the report in which the hero’s archnemesis, Attorney General William Barr, gets kicked into an Air Force One jet engine.

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