Tuesday, April 16, 2024
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Kamala Harris Spends Day Putting Together Keynote Presentation Of Reasons She Deserves Raise

WASHINGTON—After booking a conference room in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building to focus on the project, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly spent Tuesday putting together a Keynote presentation on reasons why she deserves a raise. “All right, I definitely want to get right away to the fact that I barely missed a day last year, so maybe that’s on the first page?” said the vice president, who is believed to have spent 40 minutes designing pie charts that document how she budgets her time to “maximize efficiency” and “guarantee output,” and then closed the room’s blinds to focus on her opening lines. “I guess I could start off by just saying something like, ‘I know you have a lot on your plate right now, so I appreciate you finding time in your busy schedule.’ Or do I just cut to the chase and say that I want a 5% raise and here are the reasons why? That’s where I could bring in the stuff about my great attitude and how punctual I am. God, who am I kidding? I should probably just delete all these stupid transition animations and start over.” At press time, sources confirmed Harris had closed her laptop, let out a sigh of relief, and left the office early after successfully completing two slides.

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