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Man Always Waits Until Last Minute To Decide What He’ll End Up Sitting Alone In House Dressed As For Halloween

CROPSEYVILLE, NY—Frantically searching the internet for ideas, local man Jared Walker told reporters Thursday he always waits until the last minute to decide what he’ll end up sitting alone in his house dressed up as for Halloween. “Every year I tell myself I’m going to get an earlier start putting together the costume I will wear when I don’t have any plans and just stay in watching TV on Halloween night,” said Walker, who, despite his annual procrastination, can reportedly be counted on each Oct. 31 to get in the spirit of spending an inevitable evening at home by himself on a block never visited by trick-or-treaters. “Sometimes I think about going with a super elaborate costume that involves lots of preparation, but then I run out of time and just make an old bedsheet into a toga so I can eat takeout alone and fall asleep on the sofa as an ancient Roman.” Walker added that he had better come up with a clever idea soon, or he would probably spend another Halloween squirting some ketchup on a kitchen knife, wandering around his living room with it, and wondering whether people at a party would find his costume spooky.

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